MY DEEPAVALI DIED WITH MY FATHER BY THEYVAPAALAN S JAYARATNAM

"I WAS NAMED AFTER THIS VERY GOD , DEVA BALAMURUGAN = DEVA BALAN = THEYVAPAALANTHIS STORY IS GORGEOUSLY HYPER COMPLEX AND I FEEL DRAVIDIANS TODAY NEED TO BE CONSOLED LIKE MURUGAN WAS FOR BEING PUT THROUGH MUCH GREATER DISTRAUGHT THAN HAVING MAGICAL FRUITS STOLEN FROM THEM" - Paalan.

TO MY DEAR DRAVIDIAN SAYANGCAKES, 

ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS:

பழம் நீயப்பா

ஞானப் பழம் நீயப்பா

தமிழ் ஞானப் பழம்

நீயப்பா

ஆறு கமலத்தில்

உருவாய் நின்றாய் 

உலகன்னை அணைப்பாலே

திருமேனி ஒரு சேர்த்த

ஊருண்டு பேருண்டு

உறவுண்டு சுகமுண்டு உற்றார்பெற்றாரும் உண்டு

நீருண்ட மேகங்கள் நின்றாடும்

கயிலையில் நீ வாழ இடமும்உண்டு

 தாயுண்டு மனம்

உண்டு அன்புள்ள தந்தைக்கு

தாளாத பாசம் உண்டு

உன்

தத்துவம் தவறென்று சொல்லவும்

ஔவையின் தமிழுக்கு உரிமை

உண்டு

உன்

தத்துவம் தவறென்று சொல்லவும்

ஔவையின் தமிழுக்கு உரிமை

உண்டு  

Photo archival from Theyvapaalan

MY DEEPAVALI DIED WITH MY FATHER.

I USED TO DESPISE BEING WOKEN UP EARLY TO TAKE THE நல்லெண்ணெய் BATHS 

I WOULD  SUSTAIN A SULK THE ENTIRE RITUAL

TODAY, I SLATHER MY SKIN AND DROWN MY PORES IN ROSEHIP, COCONUT, AND MOROCCAN ARGAN OILS  RELIGIOUSLY.

DEEPAVALI TO MY FATHER WAS ABOUT THRIVING ALONG WITH THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE AND TOLERATING THE REST.

DEEPAVALI TO MY MOTHER WAS ABOUT INCLUSION, EMPATHY, AND BLESSINGS. 

DEEPAVALI TO ME WAS THE ALMOST CONSTANT TEXTURE OF OILS ON MY FINGERTIPS. 

A TEXTURE SO PACKED WITH A PLETHORA OF SUB-FEELINGS, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR FINGERNAILS ARE CUT A LITTLE TOO SHORT.

I WAS RAISED IN A SHAKTIST AND SAIVITE HOUSEHOLD. 

I WAS RAISED TO WORSHIP THE INFINITIVE MULTITUDES A BEING POSSESSED. 

I WAS RAISED TO BATHE THE GODS IN OIL.

MY PARENTS TAUGHT ME THAT BEING, 

LIKE FRUIT, LIKE CATERPILLARS, TRANSFORM. 

AFTER MY FATHER’S DEATH, I STRUGGLED IMMENSELY WITH MY TRANSFORMATIONAL ABILITIES.

I COULD SHAPESHIFT, BUT I COULD NEVER BE MORE THAN ONE THING AT A TIME. 

TODAY, I AM REDISCOVERING MY MAGICAL ABILITIES TO TRANSFORM, TRANSCENDING THROUGH MY GRIEF. 

BEING TAMIL IN MALAYSIA IS BEING IN A STATE OF PERPETUAL GRIEF.

WHEN A FAMILY MEMBER DIES, WE WOULD TAKE A WHOLE YEAR OFF FROM FESTIVITIES AND CELEBRATIONS.

PARALLEL TO THE DOG, ONE HUMAN YEAR OF MOURNING, IS SEVEN IN MINE 

THE STATE OF DRAVIDIANS IN MALAYSIA, ITS NEIGHBORING COUNTRIES, AND AROUND THE GLOBE TODAY IS ATROCIOUS. 

IT HAS BECOME BLINDINGLY HARD TO CELEBRATE THE VICTORY IN LANKA OVER நரகாசுரன்

WHEN THE POLICE WON’T STOP KILLING GANAPATHYS AND MURUGANS , 

WHEN THE COUNTRY OPENLY HUNTS WOMEN AND 

AND WHEN THE NATION-STATE PRETENDS OUR QUEERNESS IS EQUIVALENT TO PECULIARITY AND A THREAT INSTEAD OF THE EXTREME, POWERFUL DIVINITY IT IS.

TESS PANG SAID 

WHEN THE MOON IS NEW 

THE VEIL IS THIN BETWEEN THE LIVING AND THE DEAD 

THIS DEEPAVALI EVE, DURING THE  அம்மாவாசை  படையல் PRAYERS, 

I WILL SCREAM A POEM FOR THE DEAD AND PRETEND I DO NOT HATE BEING EXCLUDED. 

I WILL REFLECT ON THE FAMILIES I GREW UP AROUND, WHO CONTINUE TO PARTAKE IN GODDESS WORSHIP WHILE ABUSING THE FEMALE BODIES THAT EXIST AMONGST THEM. 

I WILL NOT FIND THE LIGHT IN ME TO BE MORE THAN ONE SHADE OF UNFILTERED ULTRAVIOLET ANGER.

I WILL FROWN UPON THE MAJORITY OF MALAYSIANS, WHO DISSECT AND TAKE ELEMENTS OF DRAVIDIAN CULTURE, 

PROFIT OFF THE OUTFITS OUR GODDESSES ADORN,

WHILST NOT PERFORMING THE BARE MINIMUM TO UPLIFT THE VERY PEOPLE OUR GODDESS BIRTH

UNDER THE GUISE THAT WE ARE ALL ONE.

ARE WE REALLY ONE,  MALAYSIA? 

FREEDOM IN THIS COUNTRY MEANS TO HARVEST PRIVILEGE AND TO IGNORE AN ENDLESS LIST OF BIASES 

BEING DRAVIDIAN IN MALAYSIA IS NOT A CELEBRATION OF LIGHTS, 

IT IS ANXIOUSLY AWAITING FOR MY TURN TO BURN AT THE STAKE

HARI OHM NAMO NARAYANA, SHAKTI SHIVA GANAPATHY MURUGAN. 

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