I loathe and took an oath by Afiqa Khalieda

This short poem and prose was written by Afiqa Khalieda.

When I was young, I had an ambition.

To be anything but my parents.

whom I loathe and took an oath,

I will be better than they have ever been.

Away from their shadows,

That got bigger and bigger as the sun set,

Louder and louder as it’s time for bed,

Shattered plates and sharp knives I tiptoed to the kitchen at 2 in the morning,

Broken trust becomes difficult to amend,

Resentment becomes physical and gory to witness,

Kids woken up hours before school begins,

Wonder and wonder when will it all end. 

Now, I have made it far, far from them,

Far from being held as a hostage,

Inside my home sweet home, the so-called safe haven,

I am far to break “this is what you’re destined for”.

But the past has its way to me, 

I am used to shouts of discontent that will never be forgiven, but will always be remembered,

For the harm they had caused, 

I am used to chaos.

But with a loving lover,

I become a ticking timebomb,

That is always on self-destruct mode.

I do not see myself as a permanent being,

I had been living afloat in a world of my own,

In a room, I was forced to pretend I never existed,

But a loving lover knows i was looking for a trouble,

This is not the love i grew up with,

It is making me feel a little bit uncomfortable.

I understand from watching them, growing up.

The distasteful, of how unpleasant, working with spells,

To keep them closer and under,

They became despiteful and desperate,

Life ruiners who ruins life of others. 

Me, on the other hand, I have hurt the one that i love and 

The one who truly loves me.

In his words,

“It had never crossed my mind,

You would do something so despicable, my god”

And my god, i have made the biggest mistake,

That I swore by God, i would be better than them,

But we all know, where this is going don’t we?

He shook his head, couldn’t bring himself to see, something that will pains him.

Right under his nose, I let it happened,

He muttered, “It’s so fucked up.”,

That I had done it while he was next to me.

And oh god, didn’t he cry his heart out,

For what i did, knowing well what they did to me.

And now, he lives to wonder of my cruel intentions,

Giving me one last chance, of living with what i did,

Reminding me what I did,

to make amends to a heartbroken man, earning the shattered trust that I have broken into pieces,

For every touch that will no longer disgust him,

For every kiss that was only meant with passion, speaking in tongues and for his pleasure,

For every three words i utter, only meant for his ears,

It will take years, to recover,

I have become who I wished to never be.

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